My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell

  My Dark Vanessa is a modern day Lolita with less bloodshed but equal, or perhaps more, devastation.

Vanessa is 15 when she walks into the the classroom of 42-year-old Jacob Strane. He seduces her fairly quickly and continues to haunt her life for the next 17 years. There are times when it's happening that Vanessa feels victimized and hurt but Jacob always manages to twist the narrative in his favor. He tells Vanessa that she's in control, that she holds all the power because she could easily destroy him by revealing their physical relationship. When that's not enough he adds threats, not threats of harm from him, but threats of how her life would be forever destroyed and altered if she were to come forward. He tells her social services would take her away from her parents, that she would be forever reduced to being the girl who slept with her teacher. With equal parts affection and manipulation Jacob controls Vanessa's life well into her adulthood. Of course, he doesn't see it that way. In his mind, Jacob is a good guy guilty only of falling in love with her.

Vanessa needs to believe he's a good guy too because if he isn't what does that make her? A victim? Vanessa can't see herself as a victim because there were times when she said yes to Jacob, and times when she didn't scream no. Jacob once tells Vanessa that society wants women to see themselves as victims because it's a way of controlling them. Vanessa wants to believe that she is in control, that she was always in control. But there are cracks. As Vanessa gets older Jacob becomes less interested, casting the love story he sold to her in doubt. Other women come forward with stories of how Jacob touched them when they were his students. Vanessa doesn't want to believe them and even when she can no longer deny the truths the women tell, she tells herself that she was different, that what she and Jacob had was love not abuse.

The subject matter makes it hard to say that I liked this book but I am glad I read it. It is a difficult read in the sense that it is hard to sit through any passage involving the repulsive Jacob but it was well worth the read. It reminded of two other books with the same basic plot: Taming the Beast by Emily Maguire and Excavation by Wendy Ortiz. If you're looking for something super dark and violent, read Taming the Beast. For something less violent but equally captivating and more well rounded, check out Ortiz's memoir Excavation.